I'm still in limbo. Nothing is going anywhere. I'm just trying to give us some good times since I ruined the last many years by going to grad school and I think that is making him want to wait more. But I just turned 32 and so I'm pretty much already past the ideal fertility time for women, which I just read today is till ~31. Hopefully eating paleo will help me with the fertility issue, but still, I'm just so scared.
The problem is I love him so much I kinda wish I could be happy without a kid, but considering how unhappy it is making me already, well, it seems pretty obvious that in the long run I will not be happy and I will regret and start to hate him. I really owe it to my future self to do something about this situation ASAP.
I've been thinking of an ultimatum. My thought was, I will give him 6 months to decide if he wants to have a kid with me; if he can't decide by then well I'd better start looking to meet the father of my child. But I don't really want to break up. Is it too silly to go into an open relationship then? What if I don't meet someone and then I'm alone and I lost my dearest love and I don't even have a kid to show for it? I guess I can always buy some sperm, but I don't want to be alone when I know who the love of my life is. That just seems stupid. But if I were my friend I would tell me that there will be another love someday, so maybe I need to listen to me as a friend and not me as me.
Life is so hard sometimes. The world is so big and beautiful and yet I let this stuff get me down. I really need to resolve this situation because I want to be happy again and I'm not happy in limbo.
