I told him he could have till labor day. I said if he needed another week or so and was seriously close to saying yes I would be willing to wait longer. But the wait is really killing me. I want to be hopeful but I also don't want to be too hopeful and just get my hopes all dashed. I feel so lost and confused and alone. He hasn't been around all summer which doesn't help. The entire fate of my life and future is being decided by him without me having any time to actually have fun with him. When I do see him I feel like we should talk about it because it's fracking important. But then we don't get to just be together. Maybe it's better that way.
A part of me thought today that he must know that he is going to change his mind. We bought a house together last Oct, he got common law married to me and I told him years ago that I want a kid and that I will leave him if he doesn't have one with me. This is something he has known for awhile. In fact, he knew it since the beginning of our relationship 9 years ago so he really doesn't have any excuse for acting ignorant. Except the same excuse I have. Maybe if he/she loves me enough he/she will have/not have a baby with me. Because apparently love is the best liar on the whole planet.
I just keep telling myself that maybe he will change his mind. But maybe not. I just can't be in limbo for much longer. It's driving me crazy and has been for the last several years. Every time I see happy people with kids or pregnant women I just feel bitter and angry that they get what I can't have. I just don't want to be that sort of person that is that jealous of other people's happiness. That is just so stupid.
I'm just trying to survive the last couple of weeks. Then I will find out my fate. Whether I need to start over again or whether he is going to be with me for good.
