I haven't posted in awhile. I had given it time and tried not to stress about it for awhile because it seemed like he was actually making progress towards wanting a kiddo with me. But, as it turns out, I went to Germany and he flipped out and now we are back where we were the whole goddamn time, ie. he says no, probably never, maybe someday but no firm commitments. So we are going to separate. Sigh.
The thing is that, I can't stand this anymore. If he changes his mind in time, great, I'm all for it, but I need to try to move on and try to find someone who can give me what I need. I deserve to be happy. And even if I don't find the right person, I can always have a kid on my own. It's not my best option, but it's the worst case scenario if we split.
It seems like hell right now and I feel like my insides are coming undone. We've been together almost 10 years. I can't even imagine my life without him. But I need to try. It hurts so much and I'm hurting him so much and it's so stupid that it had to end like this, but it just does.
Interestingly, so many people have said he will change his mind as soon as you start trying to see other people. Well, we shall see about that. I think they severely underestimate how stubborn he is. Maybe he will and that would be great, but I'm not counting on it. I think it's going to have to be me starting over again alone and trying to find "the one". I really thought it was Adam. I think he was "one" but clearly not "the one" or it would have worked out and we'd be happy instead of making each other miserable.
I went to Rhythm Sanctuary tonight and it was so cathartic. I just feel so great about that place. It's so accepting and everyone there is so special. I will still have Rhythm Sanctuary and I will try even harder to go every week when i am in town.
As they say in Monty Python "always look on the bright side of life"
Let me think of as many as I can. First let me think of possible futures with good outcomes.
Case 1-I start dating but don't find anyone special. In the meantime Adam changes his mind, we get back together and have an adorable half jew half me baby together and are great parents.
Case 2-I start dating and find someone else and have a kid with them. Great! Wish it could have been Adam, but maybe this person will also be awesome and fun and smart and funny. I WILL NOT SETTLE!
Case 3-I try to find someone and I can't find anyone worth having a kid with. Buy sperm, make baby---this could take place in Germany or Canada to help with daycare/money. Or move back to CA and maybe I can stay in mom and dad's rental house if they still have it then....or I can stay with Lara and Eli. They already offered this! Baby gets to be raised close to it's cousins. I still have a good chance of finding an excellent mate but I also got to have a baby before it was too late.
Bright sides of us splitting:
BACON! I'm going to eat bacon every day. Good quality bacon, not the crap from restaurants. Yummy.
Now I can decide where I want to live. Maybe I can move to Germany or Canada or back to Cali but I can decide to do whatever the hell I want. It's all my decision on what's best for me.
I learn to be more independent again. I've relied a bit too much on Adam lately and I'm getting kinda pathetic I think.
I'm going to get a cat! Like, ASAP. One that likes to cuddle with me. And adorable cat. Maybe even a kitten. Of course dealing with litter sucks but I love kitties.
Christmas and summer I can just go see my family and we don't have to deal with going two places anymore and using up all our vacation time visiting family.
If I'm going to be alone all summer I might as well be single. Silly to be alone but married.
Maybe dating will be more fun and less annoying and stressful now that I'm an adult? I just remember hating it soooo much, all the bleh bleh blah. Hopefully it will be better with grown up men.
I won't have to keep hearing about mistakes I've made or mean things I've said for the rest of my life. Maybe I can find a new man with a less photographic memory for all things I ever screw up and a desire to keep giving me a hard time about them forever.
I deserve to be happy and I haven't been truly happy in this relationship in a long time. Sort of happy, but always knowing that things could fall apart at any time due to issue BABY. Now we are getting that over with so, despite the pain, it will get better eventually. Like pulling off a bandaid...that you've been wearing for 10 years :( oh that wasn't happy, I'm supposed to be looking on the bright side...
