I had a realization today that sort of knocked me over, intellectually. I'm a total feminist and I've always thought women who date jerks are freaking idiots (thought usually as a result of abuse, etc, not blaming them, just saying it's idiotic behavior). Especially idiotic is to marry a man thinking he will change after you marry him to be the man you want him to be. The best example I can think of this is from the musical/movie "Guys and Dolls" with the two gals at the end singing "Marry the man today and change his ways tomorrow". That's just stupid. Don't marry a man based on who you want him to become, marry him based on who he is now.
I was actually talking to a friend about another friend, who basically admitted to having married her husband thinking he would change. I love my friend dearly, but I was saying how stupid it is to marry a man thinking he is going to change. Right as the words came out of my mouth I realized, I AM DOING THAT AND THEREFORE I AM AN IDIOT!!! I guess I had just never thought about our situation in those terms, ie. thinking about what I would think of me if I were friends with me. I don't think I have any other friends in my situation, though I do have a friend who already has a kid and had a relationship with a man who was not ok with kids and I definitely told her it wasn't going to work in the long run. Of course, I love and respect her, but the fact that she kept dating him (off and on again) was kind of stupid. I guess I should have prefaced this post by saying that very smart people do very stupid things all of the time, especially when it comes to love. Now I realize how much I fit into that category and it kind of scares me.
We are buying a house together. We close on Wednesday. I'm just lying to myself this whole fracking time, thinking, maybe once we have a house and a dog and are settled in, then he'll change his mind. Maybe blah blah blah. I'm sick of having to lie to myself but the truth is just too hard to face and I'm not ready for it. I want to believe my lies so I just keep faking it, hoping that I'm only faking it till I make it but knowing deep down inside how little I know about whether or not I will actually ever "make it", where by make it I mean convince my husband to have a child with me.
It's just hard to believe that evolutionarily, if he really loves me, how can he not want to procreate with me? What the hell is wrong with his genes, are they suicidal genes? Especially when the option is procreate or lose our lives together. I know kids are scary and I'm scared of having kids too, but in a good way. It's an adventure and I want to do it, get through it, kick some ass at it, and have some bad ass kids out there in the world doing awesome things after I die.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm probably an Idiot but I just keep pretending everything is going to be ok
So, my dear husband and I are in the process of purchasing a house together. What the heck am I thinking?!? I love him and want to spend my life with him, but obviously this isn't going to work if he doesn't change his mind on this child having issue.
It's jut tough to be in limbo. I'm in denial I suppose. I just keep thinking, if I pretend everything is going to be ok, then maybe it will be ok. If I get us more and more "stuck" together, then he will just have to agree to have a kid with me because it will end up being more work to split up than to just give in and have a kid with me. Of course, I wish it wasn't like this. I would much rather have a husband who wants to have a kid with me because he knows we will be great parents and thinks we will be happy together as a family. But what can I do when all I have is what I have, a man who I love with all my heart but who doesn't quite love me the way I want him to, ie. doesn't want to have a kid with me?
Maybe this will end up all being a big mistake. I dunno. I just wish I could resolve this issue now but all I can do is keep hoping he changes his mind or lose the man I love more than anyone else in the world. How can I even consider that? It breaks my heart to even think about it. I feel so out of control of my future. If I can just get him to agree to have one kid I will have a huge weight off of my shoulders, but so far no luck. All I can do is just keep hoping since I can't handle the other options right now. Just keep hoping and pretending and maybe it will come true?
It's jut tough to be in limbo. I'm in denial I suppose. I just keep thinking, if I pretend everything is going to be ok, then maybe it will be ok. If I get us more and more "stuck" together, then he will just have to agree to have a kid with me because it will end up being more work to split up than to just give in and have a kid with me. Of course, I wish it wasn't like this. I would much rather have a husband who wants to have a kid with me because he knows we will be great parents and thinks we will be happy together as a family. But what can I do when all I have is what I have, a man who I love with all my heart but who doesn't quite love me the way I want him to, ie. doesn't want to have a kid with me?
Maybe this will end up all being a big mistake. I dunno. I just wish I could resolve this issue now but all I can do is keep hoping he changes his mind or lose the man I love more than anyone else in the world. How can I even consider that? It breaks my heart to even think about it. I feel so out of control of my future. If I can just get him to agree to have one kid I will have a huge weight off of my shoulders, but so far no luck. All I can do is just keep hoping since I can't handle the other options right now. Just keep hoping and pretending and maybe it will come true?
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