It's over, at least for now

I haven't posted in awhile.  I had given it time and tried not to stress about it for awhile because it seemed like he was actually making progress towards wanting a kiddo with me.  But, as it turns out, I went to Germany and he flipped out and now we are back where we were the whole goddamn time, ie. he says no, probably never, maybe someday but no firm commitments.  So we are going to separate.  Sigh.

The thing is that, I can't stand this anymore.  If he changes his mind in time, great, I'm all for it, but I need to try to move on and try to find someone who can give me what I need.  I deserve to be happy.  And even if I don't find the right person, I can always have a kid on my own.  It's not my best option, but it's the worst case scenario if we split.

It seems like hell right now and I feel like my insides are coming undone.  We've been together almost 10 years.  I can't even imagine my life without him.  But I need to try.  It hurts so much and I'm hurting him so much and it's so stupid that it had to end like this, but it just does.

Interestingly, so many people have said he will change his mind as soon as you start trying to see other people.  Well, we shall see about that.  I think they severely underestimate how stubborn he is.  Maybe he will and that would be great, but I'm not counting on it.  I think it's going to have to be me starting over again alone and trying to find "the one".  I really thought it was Adam.  I think he was "one" but clearly not "the one" or it would have worked out and we'd be happy instead of making each other miserable.

I went to Rhythm Sanctuary tonight and it was so cathartic.  I just feel so great about that place.  It's so accepting and everyone there is so special.  I will still have Rhythm Sanctuary and I will try even harder to go every week when i am in town.

As they say in Monty Python "always look on the bright side of life"

Let me think of as many as I can.  First let me think of possible futures with good outcomes.

Case 1-I start dating but don't find anyone special.  In the meantime Adam changes his mind, we get back together and have an adorable half jew half me baby together and are great parents.

Case 2-I start dating and find someone else and have a kid with them.  Great!  Wish it could have been Adam, but maybe this person will also be awesome and fun and smart and funny.  I WILL NOT SETTLE!

Case 3-I try to find someone and I can't find anyone worth having a kid with.  Buy sperm, make baby---this could take place in Germany or Canada to help with daycare/money.  Or move back to CA and maybe I can stay in mom and dad's rental house if they still have it then....or I can stay with Lara and Eli.  They already offered this!  Baby gets to be raised close to it's cousins.  I still have a good chance of finding an excellent mate but I also got to have a baby before it was too late.

Bright sides of us splitting:

BACON!  I'm going to eat bacon every day.  Good quality bacon, not the crap from restaurants.  Yummy.

Now I can decide where I want to live.  Maybe I can move to Germany or Canada or back to Cali but I can decide to do whatever the hell I want.  It's all my decision on what's best for me.

I learn to be more independent again.  I've relied a bit too much on Adam lately and I'm getting kinda pathetic I think.

I'm going to get a cat!  Like, ASAP.  One that likes to cuddle with me.  And adorable cat.  Maybe even a kitten.  Of course dealing with litter sucks but I love kitties.

Christmas and summer I can just go see my family and we don't have to deal with going two places anymore and using up all our vacation time visiting family.

If I'm going to be alone all summer I might as well be single.  Silly to be alone but married.

Maybe dating will be more fun and less annoying and stressful now that I'm an adult?  I just remember hating it soooo much, all the bleh bleh blah.  Hopefully it will be better with grown up men.

I won't have to keep hearing about mistakes I've made or mean things I've said for the rest of my life.  Maybe I can find a new man with a less photographic memory for all things I ever screw up and a desire to keep giving me a hard time about them forever.

I deserve to be happy and I haven't been truly happy in this relationship in a long time.  Sort of happy, but always knowing that things could fall apart at any time due to issue BABY.  Now we are getting that over with so, despite the pain, it will get better eventually.  Like pulling off a bandaid...that you've been wearing for 10 years :(  oh that wasn't happy, I'm supposed to be looking on the bright side...

Maybe getting somewhere but I don't know how long to wait

He seems to actually be open to the idea now, though some of the things he says make me wonder if it would ever work (like the fact that he's vegetarian and I'm paleo, he seems like he doesn't want to help with diapers and yucky poopy stuff ever, etc).  But how long should I give him?  I just feel like I need a YES SOON or I'm going to go nuts.  I can't just be on hold any longer as it's making me so miserable to be in limbo.

We had a very long talk about this issue and got somewhere, but he just keeps thinking of any excuse possible (what if we had a developmentally disabled kid?  What about money?  What about...).  I'm trying to be patient but it's driving me crazy.

Oh and he admitted that he almost had an affair with an UNDERGRAD while I was in Germany and we were having all those problems.  It's a little sad/disturbing, but also totally understandable.  I was attracted to that one guy at Zeiss then.

Sigh.  I suggested that we start seeing other people if he can't make that decision, mostly because I don't want to deal with moving out or whatever and I keep hoping he will change his mind when push comes to shove.  He seems so close, but I don't know if close really means in 6 months he will change his mind and say no or that he's a few weeks from yes.  I just need a firm commitment to feel safe and committed to our relationship again.  Right now I feel very uncommitted because I feel he isn't willing to commit to me in the way that he knows I need him to, so why should I feel committed, especially when there is a very real possibility that I'm going to need to de-committ myself very soon if he doesn't say YES ASAP.

Sigh, I'm going to try to go sleep now, despite feeling like there is no way I will ever sleep.  But it's time to try at least.  Might as well get the sleep now since I don't get the baby to take away my sleep.

Goddamn it how the F can he sleep at a time like this!

So, it was a long day and weekend.  I was trying to let us enjoy the weekend and not bring up the main issue that's been on my mind for the last year or two until the weekend was over.  Then we went to a movie, got home late and he called his parents.  So by the time I got around to brining up THE TOPIC, he was all tired.  And now asleep.  WTF!  I just don't understand how he can sleep so soundly when I'm dying to stop feeling like I'm on the fucking cliff to the abyss that he is controlling whether I fall into.  I guess in a way it's probably easier for him because he IS in control, whether he knows it or not.  Yeah, he probably also feels like I'm in control because he had to pick x to have y, but at least he gets to pick whether or not x, whereas, I just have to wait and wait and wait and not fucking sleep or think about anything else and feel like a crazy emotional wreck and judge people who get to have babies and be jealous of people who get preggers by accident because I'm nutty nutty mcnuts due to baby fever.

I know trying to talk to him right now is useless because he is useless when this tired.  Maybe this is a good indication that I'm not going to be getting much help from him if we DO have a baby together AND this is going to drive me crazy if I still have to go to work, which I probably will unless he somehow magically gets a job that pays 2x as much and includes good health insurance.

I'm just tired of feeling so lost and confused and not sure what the next month holds.  I want to know what is going on and he wouldn't even talk about it, kept changing the subject, and then passed out.  I really kinda want to just go wake him up and make him talk to me but I know it's useless.  But it just pissed me off that he can be so relaxed that he can just go right to sleep while I'm sitting here scared shitless of what he is going to say whenever he finally manages to have an actual conversation with me on the subject without changing the subject or passing out.

Sigh.  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head but no, he passed out before I could even really tell what direction he is leaning and decide whether I should hold out much hope or not.  I already checked out a nerdy dating site just to make myself feel better that there are nice nerdy dudes out there who do want kids.

Ok, well, I should attempt to try to sort of at least lie down and sleep.

Waiting is killing me!

I told him he could have till labor day.   I said if he needed another week or so and was seriously close to saying yes I would be willing to wait longer.  But the wait is really killing me.  I want to be hopeful but I also don't want to be too hopeful and just get my hopes all dashed.  I feel so lost and confused and alone.  He hasn't been around all summer which doesn't help.  The entire fate of my life and future is being decided by him without me having any time to actually have fun with him.  When I do see him I feel like we should talk about it because it's fracking important.  But then we don't get to just be together.  Maybe it's better that way.

A part of me thought today that he must know that he is going to change his mind.  We bought a house together last Oct, he got common law married to me and I told him years ago that I want a kid and that I will leave him if he doesn't have one with me.  This is something he has known for awhile.  In fact, he knew it since the beginning of our relationship 9 years ago so he really doesn't have any excuse for acting ignorant.  Except the same excuse I  have.  Maybe if he/she loves me enough he/she will have/not have a baby with me.  Because apparently love is the best liar on the whole planet.

I just keep telling myself that maybe he will change his mind.  But maybe not.  I just can't be in limbo for much longer.  It's driving me crazy and has been for the last several years.  Every time I see happy people with kids or pregnant women I just feel bitter and angry that they get what I can't have.  I just don't want to be that sort of person that is that jealous of other people's happiness.  That is just so stupid.

I'm just trying to survive the last couple of weeks.  Then I will find out my fate.  Whether I need to start over again or whether he is going to be with me for good.

Ultimatum

Going to make the last chance for him to change his mind to be over the summer.  He doesn't seem at all interested in a kid though.  I really wish it were different.  This is so hard.

I will get through this.  I am strong and smart and a great person.  I will find the father of my future children.  I just really thought it was him and it's not.

Still pretending like everything is A-ok when it's so not

I'm still in limbo.  Nothing is going anywhere.  I'm just trying to give us some good times since I ruined the last many years by going to grad school and I think that is making him want to wait more.  But I just turned 32 and so I'm pretty much already past the ideal fertility time for women, which I just read today is till ~31.  Hopefully eating paleo will help me with the fertility issue, but still, I'm just so scared.

The problem is I love him so much I kinda wish I could be happy without a kid, but considering how unhappy it is making me already, well, it seems pretty obvious that in the long run I will not be happy and I will regret and start to hate him.  I really owe it to my future self to do something about this situation ASAP.

I've been thinking of an ultimatum.  My thought was, I will give him 6 months to decide if he wants to have a kid with me; if he can't decide by then well I'd better start looking to meet the father of my child.  But I don't really want to break up.  Is it too silly to go into an open relationship then?  What if I don't meet someone and then I'm alone and I lost my dearest love and I don't even have a kid to show for it?  I guess I can always buy some sperm, but I don't want to be alone when I know who the love of my life is. That just seems stupid.  But if I were my friend I would tell me that there will be another love someday, so maybe I need to listen to me as a friend and not me as me.

Life is so hard sometimes.  The world is so big and beautiful and yet I let this stuff get me down.  I really need to resolve this situation because I want to be happy again and I'm not happy in limbo.