Goddamn it how the F can he sleep at a time like this!

So, it was a long day and weekend.  I was trying to let us enjoy the weekend and not bring up the main issue that's been on my mind for the last year or two until the weekend was over.  Then we went to a movie, got home late and he called his parents.  So by the time I got around to brining up THE TOPIC, he was all tired.  And now asleep.  WTF!  I just don't understand how he can sleep so soundly when I'm dying to stop feeling like I'm on the fucking cliff to the abyss that he is controlling whether I fall into.  I guess in a way it's probably easier for him because he IS in control, whether he knows it or not.  Yeah, he probably also feels like I'm in control because he had to pick x to have y, but at least he gets to pick whether or not x, whereas, I just have to wait and wait and wait and not fucking sleep or think about anything else and feel like a crazy emotional wreck and judge people who get to have babies and be jealous of people who get preggers by accident because I'm nutty nutty mcnuts due to baby fever.

I know trying to talk to him right now is useless because he is useless when this tired.  Maybe this is a good indication that I'm not going to be getting much help from him if we DO have a baby together AND this is going to drive me crazy if I still have to go to work, which I probably will unless he somehow magically gets a job that pays 2x as much and includes good health insurance.

I'm just tired of feeling so lost and confused and not sure what the next month holds.  I want to know what is going on and he wouldn't even talk about it, kept changing the subject, and then passed out.  I really kinda want to just go wake him up and make him talk to me but I know it's useless.  But it just pissed me off that he can be so relaxed that he can just go right to sleep while I'm sitting here scared shitless of what he is going to say whenever he finally manages to have an actual conversation with me on the subject without changing the subject or passing out.

Sigh.  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head but no, he passed out before I could even really tell what direction he is leaning and decide whether I should hold out much hope or not.  I already checked out a nerdy dating site just to make myself feel better that there are nice nerdy dudes out there who do want kids.

Ok, well, I should attempt to try to sort of at least lie down and sleep.