Maybe getting somewhere but I don't know how long to wait

He seems to actually be open to the idea now, though some of the things he says make me wonder if it would ever work (like the fact that he's vegetarian and I'm paleo, he seems like he doesn't want to help with diapers and yucky poopy stuff ever, etc).  But how long should I give him?  I just feel like I need a YES SOON or I'm going to go nuts.  I can't just be on hold any longer as it's making me so miserable to be in limbo.

We had a very long talk about this issue and got somewhere, but he just keeps thinking of any excuse possible (what if we had a developmentally disabled kid?  What about money?  What about...).  I'm trying to be patient but it's driving me crazy.

Oh and he admitted that he almost had an affair with an UNDERGRAD while I was in Germany and we were having all those problems.  It's a little sad/disturbing, but also totally understandable.  I was attracted to that one guy at Zeiss then.

Sigh.  I suggested that we start seeing other people if he can't make that decision, mostly because I don't want to deal with moving out or whatever and I keep hoping he will change his mind when push comes to shove.  He seems so close, but I don't know if close really means in 6 months he will change his mind and say no or that he's a few weeks from yes.  I just need a firm commitment to feel safe and committed to our relationship again.  Right now I feel very uncommitted because I feel he isn't willing to commit to me in the way that he knows I need him to, so why should I feel committed, especially when there is a very real possibility that I'm going to need to de-committ myself very soon if he doesn't say YES ASAP.

Sigh, I'm going to try to go sleep now, despite feeling like there is no way I will ever sleep.  But it's time to try at least.  Might as well get the sleep now since I don't get the baby to take away my sleep.

Goddamn it how the F can he sleep at a time like this!

So, it was a long day and weekend.  I was trying to let us enjoy the weekend and not bring up the main issue that's been on my mind for the last year or two until the weekend was over.  Then we went to a movie, got home late and he called his parents.  So by the time I got around to brining up THE TOPIC, he was all tired.  And now asleep.  WTF!  I just don't understand how he can sleep so soundly when I'm dying to stop feeling like I'm on the fucking cliff to the abyss that he is controlling whether I fall into.  I guess in a way it's probably easier for him because he IS in control, whether he knows it or not.  Yeah, he probably also feels like I'm in control because he had to pick x to have y, but at least he gets to pick whether or not x, whereas, I just have to wait and wait and wait and not fucking sleep or think about anything else and feel like a crazy emotional wreck and judge people who get to have babies and be jealous of people who get preggers by accident because I'm nutty nutty mcnuts due to baby fever.

I know trying to talk to him right now is useless because he is useless when this tired.  Maybe this is a good indication that I'm not going to be getting much help from him if we DO have a baby together AND this is going to drive me crazy if I still have to go to work, which I probably will unless he somehow magically gets a job that pays 2x as much and includes good health insurance.

I'm just tired of feeling so lost and confused and not sure what the next month holds.  I want to know what is going on and he wouldn't even talk about it, kept changing the subject, and then passed out.  I really kinda want to just go wake him up and make him talk to me but I know it's useless.  But it just pissed me off that he can be so relaxed that he can just go right to sleep while I'm sitting here scared shitless of what he is going to say whenever he finally manages to have an actual conversation with me on the subject without changing the subject or passing out.

Sigh.  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head but no, he passed out before I could even really tell what direction he is leaning and decide whether I should hold out much hope or not.  I already checked out a nerdy dating site just to make myself feel better that there are nice nerdy dudes out there who do want kids.

Ok, well, I should attempt to try to sort of at least lie down and sleep.