I haven't posted in awhile. I had given it time and tried not to stress about it for awhile because it seemed like he was actually making progress towards wanting a kiddo with me. But, as it turns out, I went to Germany and he flipped out and now we are back where we were the whole goddamn time, ie. he says no, probably never, maybe someday but no firm commitments. So we are going to separate. Sigh.
The thing is that, I can't stand this anymore. If he changes his mind in time, great, I'm all for it, but I need to try to move on and try to find someone who can give me what I need. I deserve to be happy. And even if I don't find the right person, I can always have a kid on my own. It's not my best option, but it's the worst case scenario if we split.
It seems like hell right now and I feel like my insides are coming undone. We've been together almost 10 years. I can't even imagine my life without him. But I need to try. It hurts so much and I'm hurting him so much and it's so stupid that it had to end like this, but it just does.
Interestingly, so many people have said he will change his mind as soon as you start trying to see other people. Well, we shall see about that. I think they severely underestimate how stubborn he is. Maybe he will and that would be great, but I'm not counting on it. I think it's going to have to be me starting over again alone and trying to find "the one". I really thought it was Adam. I think he was "one" but clearly not "the one" or it would have worked out and we'd be happy instead of making each other miserable.
I went to Rhythm Sanctuary tonight and it was so cathartic. I just feel so great about that place. It's so accepting and everyone there is so special. I will still have Rhythm Sanctuary and I will try even harder to go every week when i am in town.
As they say in Monty Python "always look on the bright side of life"
Let me think of as many as I can. First let me think of possible futures with good outcomes.
Case 1-I start dating but don't find anyone special. In the meantime Adam changes his mind, we get back together and have an adorable half jew half me baby together and are great parents.
Case 2-I start dating and find someone else and have a kid with them. Great! Wish it could have been Adam, but maybe this person will also be awesome and fun and smart and funny. I WILL NOT SETTLE!
Case 3-I try to find someone and I can't find anyone worth having a kid with. Buy sperm, make baby---this could take place in Germany or Canada to help with daycare/money. Or move back to CA and maybe I can stay in mom and dad's rental house if they still have it then....or I can stay with Lara and Eli. They already offered this! Baby gets to be raised close to it's cousins. I still have a good chance of finding an excellent mate but I also got to have a baby before it was too late.
Bright sides of us splitting:
BACON! I'm going to eat bacon every day. Good quality bacon, not the crap from restaurants. Yummy.
Now I can decide where I want to live. Maybe I can move to Germany or Canada or back to Cali but I can decide to do whatever the hell I want. It's all my decision on what's best for me.
I learn to be more independent again. I've relied a bit too much on Adam lately and I'm getting kinda pathetic I think.
I'm going to get a cat! Like, ASAP. One that likes to cuddle with me. And adorable cat. Maybe even a kitten. Of course dealing with litter sucks but I love kitties.
Christmas and summer I can just go see my family and we don't have to deal with going two places anymore and using up all our vacation time visiting family.
If I'm going to be alone all summer I might as well be single. Silly to be alone but married.
Maybe dating will be more fun and less annoying and stressful now that I'm an adult? I just remember hating it soooo much, all the bleh bleh blah. Hopefully it will be better with grown up men.
I won't have to keep hearing about mistakes I've made or mean things I've said for the rest of my life. Maybe I can find a new man with a less photographic memory for all things I ever screw up and a desire to keep giving me a hard time about them forever.
I deserve to be happy and I haven't been truly happy in this relationship in a long time. Sort of happy, but always knowing that things could fall apart at any time due to issue BABY. Now we are getting that over with so, despite the pain, it will get better eventually. Like pulling off a bandaid...that you've been wearing for 10 years :( oh that wasn't happy, I'm supposed to be looking on the bright side...
I was (and still am) in the same situation as you. 9+ years relationship with a guy who doesn't want a family but an awesome companion that I don't want to leave without.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering how you're doing now?
Thank you.
Reading your blog makes me feel less alone.
I am in the same situation and you are not alone. You know what, kids will grow and go, loving someone and being loved are beautiful.
DeleteAnd I won't leave without. Considering how much we have put things together. The idea of marriage is to the end. We have been together for 10 years. Nothing will compromise love.
DeleteI don't want to *live without.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the mistake.
Hi. Glad my blog helped you. That's why I wrote it, because I didn't find anything like it when I was hoping to because I was feeling alone too.
ReplyDeleteIF you know you will not be happy without having kids (like I did, I knew for sure that I couldn't just live without them) then you should leave him and find someone else to have kids with or do it on your own. I don't know how old you are but I'm 33 and I already wish I had done it when I was 26 or 27 instead of waiting so long. But, my ex kept things just hopeful enough that I didn't have the heart to split with him. It wasn't until he came out and finally said "I don't want kids and I never will" that I finally knew I had to split up with him and find someone else. But I should have done it years ago and sometimes I still kick myself for it.
The thing is, I did find another boyfriend who wants kids with me pretty quickly and we've been together for 8 months and are happy, but now I'm going to have to decide on an 18+ year decision based on such a short time together. Having a friend who is going through divorce with kids, I really don't want to split up with kids and I'm glad my ex didn't have a kid with me just for me and then end up divorced and having to be a single mom. But I just feel like I now have to make a huge decision on whether or not to have kids with my current boyfriend based on much less history and knowing each other much less time. If you are younger I say, please, leave now. If he really would change his mind eventually, you leaving may precipitate that. If you break up and he still doesn't change his mind, he never was going to anyways. At least, that's how I think about it now. It's just so hard to leave when everything else is good and you have been with them for so long that you can't even imagine life without them, so I totally feel your pain in that. But there are a lot of great guys in the world and this is your only life to live so do it right the first time. If you know you want to be a mommy, you gotta go for it and shoot for your dreams.
The thing is you can't really leave until you are ready and you can't really do that until you are sure that what you can take the chance that the worst case scenario of leaving, ie. having to have a kid on your own (which is what I decided I would do if I didn't find someone else) is acceptable to you and better than the worst case scenario of staying and having your relationship deteriorate from resentment. I loved my ex but I was really resenting him and it was making me very unhappy in the relationship. If you don't want kids enough to give up your current love for them then that isn't the right thing for you. Only you know what is in your heart. For me I knew I would rather have kids alone than not at all.
ReplyDelete