I'm a stupid woman

I had a realization today that sort of knocked me over, intellectually.  I'm a total feminist and I've always thought women who date jerks are freaking idiots (thought usually as a result of abuse, etc, not blaming them, just saying it's idiotic behavior).  Especially idiotic is to marry a man thinking he will change after you marry him to be the man you want him to be.  The best example I can think of this is from the musical/movie "Guys and Dolls" with the two gals at the end singing "Marry the man today and change his ways tomorrow".  That's just stupid.  Don't marry a man based on who you want him to become, marry him based on who he is now.

I was actually talking to a friend about another friend, who basically admitted to having married her husband thinking he would change.  I love my friend dearly, but I was saying how stupid it is to marry a man thinking he is going to change.  Right as the words came out of my mouth I realized, I AM DOING THAT AND THEREFORE I AM AN IDIOT!!!  I guess I had just never thought about our situation in those terms, ie. thinking about what I would think of me if I were friends with me.  I don't think I have any other friends in my situation, though I do have a friend who already has a kid and had a relationship with a man who was not ok with kids and I definitely told her it wasn't going to work in the long run.  Of course, I love and respect her, but the fact that she kept dating him (off and on again) was kind of stupid.  I guess I should have prefaced this post by saying that very smart people do very stupid things all of the time, especially when it comes to love.  Now I realize how much I fit into that category and it kind of scares me.

We are buying a house together.  We close on Wednesday.  I'm just lying to myself this whole fracking time, thinking, maybe once we have a house and a dog and are settled in, then he'll change his mind.  Maybe blah blah blah.  I'm sick of having to lie to myself but the truth is just too hard to face and I'm not ready for it.  I want to believe my lies so I just keep faking it, hoping that I'm only faking it till I make it but knowing deep down inside how little I know about whether or not I will actually ever "make it", where by make it I mean convince my husband to have a child with me.

It's just hard to believe that evolutionarily, if he really loves me, how can he not want to procreate with me?  What the hell is wrong with his genes, are they suicidal genes?  Especially when the option is procreate or lose our lives together.  I know kids are scary and I'm scared of having kids too, but in a good way.  It's an adventure and I want to do it, get through it, kick some ass at it, and have some bad ass kids out there in the world doing awesome things after I die.

I'm probably an Idiot but I just keep pretending everything is going to be ok

So, my dear husband and I are in the process of purchasing a house together.  What the heck am I thinking?!?  I love him and want to spend my life with him, but obviously this isn't going to work if he doesn't change his mind on this child having issue.

It's jut tough to be in limbo.  I'm in denial I suppose.  I just keep thinking, if I pretend everything is going to be ok, then maybe it will be ok.  If I get us more and more "stuck" together, then he will just have to agree to have a kid with me because it will end up being more work to split up than to just give in and have a kid with me.  Of course, I wish it wasn't like this.  I would much rather have a husband who wants to have a kid with me because he knows we will be great parents and thinks we will be happy together as a family.  But what can I do when all I have is what I have, a man who I love with all my heart but who doesn't quite love me the way I want him to, ie. doesn't want to have a kid with me?

Maybe this will end up all being a big mistake.  I dunno.  I just wish I could resolve this issue now but all I can do is keep hoping he changes his mind or lose the man I love more than anyone else in the world.  How can I even consider that?  It breaks my heart to even think about it.  I feel so out of control of my future.  If I can just get him to agree to have one kid I will have a huge weight off of my shoulders, but so far no luck.  All I can do is just keep hoping since I can't handle the other options right now.  Just keep hoping and pretending and maybe it will come true?

The irony of my fearful husband is that fear is better than ignorance but ignorant husbands are more likely to say yes

The ironic thing about my husband is that, the fact that he is taking being a parent so seriously makes me think he would be an even better parent, since he knows it will be a lot of work.  A lot of people get into becoming parents with no idea how much work it is going to be.  I'm of the impression that I have no idea how much work it is going to be after I have a kid, so I guess that still makes me clueless, but at least I know that I don't know.  I don't want him to say, sure, let's do it, and then be all whiny because it's not easy.  His taking this issue seriously is a good thing.  He just needs to decide that it's worth the effort.  Honestly, even if he just decides that it is worth the effort to keep me, I would be perfectly happy with that at the moment.

I just wish I could get him to give it a try.  I know I know, all the people freak out if you say you want to have someone have a kid with you when they aren't really READY for kids, BUT, who the hell is ready for kids????  No matter how much you think you are ready or how much you want kids, they are going to change everything and you have no idea until they come how much that is going to be.  Yes, you should love your kid and plan it and yadda yadda yadda, but life ain't always a beautiful package and things don't always go exactly like that.  Many children come into this world in much much worse situations that me having a child with my husband that he doesn't necessarily want a child per say and I just know in my heart that when he sees our beautiful baby he is going to change his mind.  Especially once the baby starts to grow and learn and he can teach it about the world.  I know he is going to be an awesome dad!  If I didn't know that, really deep down, know it with 100% certainty, then I wouldn't want to have a kid with him, whether he wanted one or not.  Again, the irony comes back to haunt me.  But I may never find out if I'm right about his potential awesome daddyness if I can't get him to agree to give it a try in the first place.

I guess I just feel like everyone goes into kids either uncertain and afraid or clueless that they should be afraid, cuz it is a big fucking deal to have kids.  I'd rather be uncertain and afraid, as I am, despite my certainty that I want to do it I'm still really afraid, than a clueless person who has no idea what they are getting into.  I'd rather have him also be uncertain and afraid with me than clueless, but I'm thinking if he was only clueless I might actually be able to get him to say yes.

Introductions

Hi world!  I have no idea if anyone is ever going to read this blog.  I just feel that this issue is a huge burden for me and there must be other people out there whose partners don't want kids even though they desperately do.

I have been with my husband for 8 years, but we've only been married for two.  OK, technically we are common law married.  I would get regular married, but there is this big issue that I want to resolve before I publicly announce our relationship as a lifelong partnership to our friends and family.  Yeah, you guess it, I want him to decide to have a baby with me.

There are so many emotional issues that come up with this issue that I feel like sharing them on a blog so that someone else who is struggling through the same thing might someday find comfort in my situation.  Maybe it will be resolved in a positive manner someday.  I don't know.  All I know is that right now it is really depressing me and I thought maybe this blog would do something for me or for others.  Or distract me.

I love my dear husband (DH) very much and I really wan to spend the rest of my life with HIM.  I really want to have a baby with HIM, not with some other dude that I haven't met yet and not with some unknown dude who I will have to procure semen from someday when I'm in my mid 30's and desperate for a baby.  I know that he would be a great dad and that, though it's going to be a lot of work, we would be happy.  I just don't know how to get him to see that.

In the future I will write more about my feelings on this issue and his feelings.  I will use this blog as a way to hopefully get out some of my emotions on this issue.  Maybe someone will read it and have really great advice for me.  I know some people say I should just leave him if I know I want kids, but what if he changes his mind and then I never find someone to have kids with?  I had to look a long time before I found someone I click so well with as my DH and I really don't want to have to start looking again :(

If you are in the same situation as me, I'm very sorry.  It sucks.  Sometimes I wish I had just dumped him before I got so emotionally attached because it hurts so much to think that we may have to break up just because of this one issue and that otherwise we get along really well.  It seems like we should be able to make it work.  I keep praying that I will get pregnant accidentally, as there is no way I could poke a hole in our condoms but I just know it would be fine and we would be great parents if he would just give us a chance.  But then I feel like I'm an awful person for  hoping to get pregnant by accident.  This situation just feels hopeless.  If there is anyone out there who had a husband or wife who didn't want kids ever but you got them to change their mind and things worked out well, please leave a comment so I have some hope.